Grieving is as natural as crying when you are hurt, sleeping when you are tired, eating when you are hungry. It is nature’s way of healing a broken heart
Doug Manning
You may think nothing could ever heal your broken heart, and it’s true that maybe you will never fully “get over it” or forget, but would you even want to? Instead, the goal of grief work is to reach a place of “remembering with more love than pain,” as David Kessler says.
While the pain can lessen with time, it is important not to rush yourself, or allow others to rush you. Remember that grief can come in waves and time alone isn’t enough. Just as quality sleep doesn’t happen automatically when you need rest, there are ways you can help the grieving process. You can fight your need for sleep or grieving, but eventually it will catch up with you. As with sleep, there are many things that can make your grieving harder. Some people will struggle more than others, or for longer. So you may need to be proactive and get outside help. This can be especially important when dealing with traumatic death, which can lead to post-traumatic stress disorder. It is also important for those with complicating factors, such as multiple loss or adverse childhood experiences. When there are many secondary losses that result from the death of your loved one, such as loss of income or support for parenting, you are also likely to need more help.
The tools you find helpful will depend on your individual circumstances and preferences, and will likely change over time, even moment to moment. If something isn’t for you, just try something else. Though it may take some trial and error, only you can truly know what you need and what works for you.
Caring for yourself in grief:
- Forgive yourself. If guilt arises, talk to yourself as you would a close friend.
Look after your own health.
- Eat/drink well, get plenty of sleep, and exercise – even if just for short walks.
- Manage chronic conditions. Sometimes medications may need to be added or adjusted while in mourning. Make sure you keep doctors’ appointments, let them know you are grieving and report any new symptoms.
- Go easy on yourself. Give yourself permission to say no to things or cut corners. You still have many of the same demands as, or maybe even more than, before your loss. Grief can take a very real physical toll on you, so just as if you were sick, it’s ok to lower your expectations of yourself to conserve energy. Unless they bring you comfort, ask yourself if things are really necessary right now before doing them yourself. Instead, could someone else help, is there an easier alternative, or would it be so bad if you just waited or didn’t do it at all?
Express your feelings
- With words (talking, journaling, support groups, one-on-one therapy). There are a lot of grief journaling courses or prompts available if you would like more guidance.
- With action, such as grief yoga, boxing, or other exercise
- With visual art, poetry, or music, whether creating or consuming
- With yourself (mindfulness/meditation/prayer). It can be helpful to find times to simply allow yourself to acknowledge and feel whatever you’re feeling, without any judgment or trying to “be strong” for anyone.
- In Loving Memory: Ideas to Honor Your Late Loved One
Other Ways to Care for Yourself
- Seek out people with shared experiences through support groups/forums, books, podcasts, or websites/blogs
- When you need to be in public, prepare a brief script in case it’s needed to let people know you’re in mourning, or wear a grieving pin.
- Spend time in nature.
- You may find comfort in sensory activities, e.g. with your hands, such as cooking, gardening, or arts & crafts, which can be grounding.
- Movies and TV shows can be a nice escape, but some may be upsetting. If this is a concern, consult friends or the internet about potential triggers before watching something new. There is also a lot of good content, like Speaking Grief, that deals with grief that may be comforting.
- Write a letter to your loved one
- Tips on navigating grief in the workplace can be found here.